Akito's Diary
by Twisted-Soul123
Summary: After much sneakiness, I have at last uncovered Akito's diary! It's really not what I expected at all...
1. Entry 1

Dear Diary,

Shigure told me about a girl named Tohru Honda today. She knows about the Sohma family curse. I think I can use her…so I shall let her remain at Shigure's house with Yuki. Perhaps with her I can show Yuki that he can never escape me. **_Never._**

For lunch I had a delicious egg salad, topped with a bit of mayonnaise sauce behind Hatori's back. That'll teach him to feed me all that low-fat no calorie tofu crap!...oh mother of roosters….stomach…hurting….


	2. Entry 2

Dear Diary,

I had an allergic reaction to the mayonnaise sauce I had a couple days ago and puffed up to the size of an oversized blowfish. Hatori came in time so that I didn't explode. The next time I see that delivery boy, I'll kill him. With a stick. Yes. A very large, deadly stick.

Kyo is now living at Shigure's house as well. Hm…and the plot thickens. This will definitely make things **_very_** interesting.

Being sickly sucks. I need to get Hatori to buy me a DS or a Playstation…at least then I could pretend to beat people up. Because I mean…pick-up-sticks and staring outside dramatically can only go so far.

-The Head of the Sohma Family: _Akito Sohma_-


	3. Entry 3

Dear Diary,

Yuki didn't come to the Sohma family New Year's festival! I WAS SO LONELY AND BORED. I had no one to mess with…though flicking small pieces of food at Ritsu's head was amusing. He freaks out like no one's business and…hahaha…yeah it was pretty funny. Kyo didn't come either, but he's gross. And smells funny. And he sheds in huge, gianormous clumps and it's just so…eeww it's so icky! That's the real reason he isn't allowed in this family! Fricken shedding…cat…boy…thing.

Okay, don't tell anyone this, but Momiji's dance was the cutest thing in the WORLD. Except my baby pictures. But dang, he's so adorable! I just wanna hug him and squeeze him until his head EXPLODES! But I have an image to keep up…so I have to fight these urges. Thus I have to vent by smacking people. Everyone thinks it's because I'm some horrible monster, but no; it's because I want to hug that cute little German blonde haired brown eyed JUST THINKING ABOUT HIM MAKES ME WARM AND FUZZY INSIDE. It kind of burns…actually it really burns PILLS

Okay…that feeling inside was actually indigestion. But still, you get what I mean. Anyways Yuki…oh! I usually don't even look at the girls, because girls are icky and have cooties, but Kagura was wearing some awesome boots. I had to pay Shigure like…20 bucks to ask her where she got them. So tomorrow I'm going to get Hatori to go to Sears and buy me a pair. I'll look supah sexy in them…I'm too sexy for my boots, too sexy for my boots BACK ON TRACK. So yeah! Yuki wasn't there! Ugh…oh he will pay. Yes…he will pay.

At least I have you diary…and you mister bir…okay that stupid feather duster just flew away. I'll eat him when he comes back….but I still have you diary.

-The Sexy Head of the Sohma Family: _Akito Sohma_-


	4. Entry 4

Dear Diary,

I finally met this 'Tohru Honda' today. I also got to see Yuki, which was quite a treat. I got to completely mess with his head and see him go all 'super angsty.' Oh it was heaven. But then Tohru pushed me! Ugh…it is totally going to leave a bruise.

AHH! I just looked there, and it's that gross greeny yellow color! UGH. CURSE YOU TOHRU HONDA! CURSE YOU PUTTING A BLEMISH ON MY LUSCIOUS SKI

Sorry as I was screaming that I went into a coughing fit…luckily Hatori brought me my inhaler. Close call on that one. That Hatori…I almost feel bad for smacking him in the eye with a vase, blinding him in that eye, destroying the relationship with the only woman he ever loved, and forcing him to erase her memories oh my goodness a servant just brought me a batch of cookies! Yummy yum tiiiime!

Okay so anyways, back to Tohru. I was told she was cute, but PFFT. Her eyes take up half her face, she has a line for a nose, her chin is pointy and don't even get me started on her mouth! It's so little, except when she's talking then it gets all BIG. It's creepy. And she doesn't even really make any mouth movements when she talks it just seemed to open and close. Kinda like those dubbed versions of those…animes, is what they're called I believe. Like…Sailor Moon. Yeah, like that only Sailor Moon had more style than that little brown haired hussy…but what I don't understand is why NO ONE KNOWS IT'S HER! I mean, SERIOUSLY. She just got a new outfit, HOLY CRAP. 'Oh man I wonder who it is. Man, and where did Serena conveniently disappear to? Boy they're like TWINS.' I swear, the stuff these people come up with…

HOLYRATCAKES I JUST LOOKED IN THE MIRROR….and I am HOTT. Tuxedo Mask ain't got **_nothing_** on me.

-The Hott Head of the Sohma Family: _Akito Sohma_-


	5. Entry 5

Dear Diary,

Someone is spreading a vicious rumor that I am a GIRL. CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT! I mean, I know I'm filthy gorgeous, but I do have manliness! Don't I! I mean…I am one handsome hunk of man meat! How could someone be so cruel?

….I bet it's the ever reliable Paperboy….tomorrow….when he brings me the daily news…I'll jump out from behind a bush and BEAT HIM WITH A ROCK. I must now go out to find the perfect rock for my plan.

-The HANDSOME HUNK OF **_MAN_** MEAT Head of the Sohma Family: _Akito Sohma_-


	6. Entry 6

Dear Diary,

Hatori said we haven't gotten any paper over the last couple of days. And that it smells like something died underneath my porch. I suggested Febreeze; it smells so fresh and eliminates all odors! So he's going to call the newspaper place tomorrow and get me some Febreeze. Yay!

I haven't heard a word about that girl rumor since the paper stopped.

-The Head of Sohma Family: _Akito Sohma_-


	7. Entry 7

Dear Diary,

OHMYGOSH HATORI GOT ME A PLAYSTATION! I could not believe it! I just thought he was going to get more of my disgusting, no calorie, low fat, tofu shiznit! Well he got that too…but he brought me this little grey beauty with him! So I guess it cancels out. I'm almost as happy as that one time when I stole that huge lollipop from the kid next door. That's a lot of happiness. …It's my lover now. Yes…my smooth, grey, gaming lover…I love-ed you PlayStation…I love-ed you.

I don't think the members of my family, mostly the zodiac, like me too much. It may be just me…but I'm kinda getting that vibe. I mean, they act like they don't want to be around me. Shigure has his own house, (Which I've NEVER been invited to! Despite the fact I sent him a house warming gift. Who doesn't want a George Foremen Grill?) Yuki left to go live with Shigure, (Even after all the time I spent with him. I thought we had fun playing "freak out the kid in the dark and give him emotional scars that make him a teenage girl idol"…he always started crying before it was his turn. Now I'll never be a teen girl idol.) Kyo hates me, (…well that one's neutral so I don't really care.) and everyone else seems to try and avoid me; which is weird because I just took a quiz online, and it said I was "likeable, fun, and the one everyone goes to for comfort." And online quizzes do not lie!

Of course they may find me so attractilicious that they don't find themselves worthy to be in my presence. Yeah. That makes way more sense. I'm brilliant.

Now I'm hungry for some George Foremen Chicken. The fat just drizzles right out! EVIL PLAN FORMING. Get George Foremen Grill…cook chicken…eat chicken…take a nap…then put drizzled out fat in bottle and somehow get Kyo to drink it! Then he'll be a fat cat! Hahaha…I can rhyme.

Alright I can't stand it anymore. I'm going to go play with my grey lover. I wonder what game Hari got me…

-The **Attractilicious **Head of Sohma Family: _Akito Sohma_-


	8. Entry 8

Dear Diary,

I haven't been writing in here lately because I have been totally absorbed in my grey lover. Man…I want to be Sephiroth! Of course you gotta play as wussy hair gel Cloud man. And I hope Aeirth dies! Of course it's probably not going to happen since no game creator would be that sadistic and kill off a main heroine like that. Which sucks. But now I'm stuck at this one place in a swamp and these snake work things and UGH. I need a chocobo. …great now I have that bloody song stuck in my head. THANKS A LOT DIARY. THANKS A LOT I'm sorry I didn't mean it.

So…because I'm stuck, I ended up throwing my grey lover's control arm on the ground and busting it. That'll teach it to defy me, THE GREAT ONE. Sooo Hatori took it to get it fixed. Thus my boredom in sues. I mean…I've been just sitting here staring out my window dramatically for about 4 hours and not ONE person has walked passed here. Not one. I mean, what's the point of staring dramatically if there's no one to see it? Like that one time when that Tuturoo chick with the big eyes saw me. Man that was awesome! It was like from a movie. She sensed me, whirled around, the wind blowing kicking up leaves, and our eyes met for just a moment; everything was in slow motion and I gave her a dramatic and cold stare…then I had to go back inside because my bladder was seriously full. I had just had a gianormous amount of Kool-Aid, and man that stuff just goes right through ya. OH YEAH.

I think I'm going to do that to Yuki. Just…bust through one of his walls or window and scream, "OH YEAH!" I bet he'd be scared out his bloody mind! Oh dang…I seriously have got to do that! I have to go call Shigure now!

-The Head of the Sohma Family **OH YEAH:** _Akito Sohma_-


	9. Entry 9

Dear Diary,

Okay so the whole "jumping through Yuki's wall Kool-Aid style" didn't work out. I tried it out on my wall, because I mean, come on, if it breaks I can just go into a screaming tantrum and blame some old lady sitting by the pond…the weird thing is that it would REALLY work. Haha…old lady…so anyways! I tried it out on my wall…and all I did was get a huge bump on my forehead and stub my precious big toe! Poor BT…I need to get Hatori to kiss him for me.

OO! Today Hari is getting my grey lovers' arm back. I squeal with joy. That reminds me! Remember those fantastic boots Kagura was wearing at the New Years' dinner? Well Shigure went and bought me a pair!! Of course now I owe him, like…a bazillion cookies but whatever. They fit me amazingly! Of course I only wear them when I'm alone, late at night, and with my doors locked. Man do they make my rump look good!! I've read about it in 'Cosmo' and 'teen People' that high heels really do wonders to the legs and bum; and now I know first hand. Er…first foot. Whatever. I am now off to bandage my poor aching toe. And to find a way to kill the oversized talking punchbowl who lead me to this painful fate.

-The Head of Sohma Family With an **AWESOME** Rump: _Akito Sohma_-


	10. PLOT TWIST

**Snerk…I can't believe I found Akito's diary…AKITO'S!! Oh man…I can NOT stop laughing. Of course once he finds out that I've written in here I'm sure he'll go all…."crazy angry house wife" on me. But it'll be worth it!! **

**Heey…you're reading this right now aren't you, Akito? HAHAHA man…who would have thought you'd be like…this. Oh…you don't know who this is do you?? OH MY EVEN BETTER. I am TOTALLY going to tell on you to Hatori about that mayonnaise saauucee. Oh dear guess I let it slip a bit who this ISN'T hm?...or perhaps I am really HATORI only pretending to act NOT like myself, HATORI, by referring to telling myself, HATORI, about the mayonnaise sauce incident….**

**Okay that hurt my head. But in any case! Just know that your secrets are now in someone else's head now, but you'll never know who! BWAHAHAHA!!**

**Love,**

**Shigure**

**P.S. I really do love that George Forman Grill!...but I seemed to have lost it to the bowels of my deep dark kitchen, NEVER AGAIN TO SEE THE LIGHT OF DAY! So I'd be very grateful if you sent another. Toodles!**


	11. Entry 11?

Dear Diary,

OH. MY. GOSH. Or as I would say online, OMG. I cannot believe that bloody Shigure would actually read you AND WRITE in you!!!...I bet you feel so violated. I know I would if he wrote in me!!...I'd probably also be in a serious amount of pain since that would involve knives and probably various other sharp pointy objects. And most likely a toxic permanent pen that would slowly kill me from the inside out…CURSE YOU CLEVER DROOLING DOG-MAN AND YOUR ELABORATE SCHEMES TO DESTROY ME!!! BUT I SHALL NOT BE YOUR NEXT VICTIM!!! YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE!!! I KNOW YOU CAN'T SEE THIS, BUT I AM SHAKING MY FIST AT YOU IN AN OFFENSIVE AND MALICIOUS MANNER!!!

You know what I'm going to do about this? Nothing. I'm sure, darling diary, you're thinking, "omg!!!1!1!1!! y no7 aki7o-chan???!!!?? 1 hav been 7o7ally viola7ed u shuld do sum7in. if u don7, i'll g2g" because I believe you think in the lost language of Broken L337. Well, I shall answer your poorly structured and painfully lack of proper grammar question; because that's just what he's NOT expecting. Yeah…if I just sit back and not react, it'll drive him crazy! He'll be ridden with guilt and paranoia, never knowing when I'll strike. So in reality, I WILL be doing something. Only in a passive aggressive way. Besides I saw it on some TV show last night and I totally wanna try it out. Tee hee I'm brilliant. Bask in the glory that is me. Are you basking? Because I sure as heck know I am!

……dash it all now I'm bored. Not scheming or plotting someone's slow demise/mental break down is hard. And hardcore boring. **HARDCORE**. Hee, I feel like I'm in some robot show saying that. "This laser gun can shoot through solid steel; **HARDCORE**."…IDEA. I need Hari to buy me a laser gun!! Not only could I one more weapon to threaten and cause terror…but I could roast marshmallows right in my own room! Squeal!!

Well enough of that I'm off to play with my Grey Lover now. He misses me terribly. **HARDCORE**.

-The **HARDCORE** Head of Sohma Family: _Akito Sohma_-


	12. Entry 12

Dear Diary,

Today I am full of the depression. And it's not just normal "hormonal-omygosh-I'm-fat-no-one-likes-me-Billy-will-never-ask-me-to-prom-I-hate-my-life-oo-look-Growing Pains-is-on" depression. How can I describe it…oh I have it! Picture if you will; Yuki, Kyo, and Hatori all having bad days full of flashbacks and internal turmoil then they're suddenly all smashed together and you squeezed out all their angst into a glass. The contents of that glass is how I feel inside. Like a giant vat of Yu-Yo-Ri angst juice…actually that image kinda made me laugh.

_YU-YO-RI ANGST JUICE! 25 less juice; 110 more angst!! For the moody pretty boy in you! (Now available in 3 fabulously fruity flavors!!)_

And yes there were implied homosexual tones within that advertisement that put their manliness into question. Oh yeah. I went there. And I got the T-shirt.

Hm…Yuki would probably want a fat free version since I hear he's on a diet…Tuturooty better be feeding him right. Don't want me Yuki getting all gross and chunky!...oh gad I just pictured it and threw up a little…I'm going to have nightmares now. THANKS TOOROOM. THANKS.

Enough about my fruity flavored minions!!! It's ME time. And why I am a vat of angst, you may be wondering dear diary? Here it is. I went out for a drive earlier today…actually, _I _didn't really drive…some guy named Steve drove me because I have a tendency to run over puppies, children, and old people in wheelchairs. That one kid got up and walked away though, and that lady should have seen me coming. Seriously. But whatever. So Steve and I go a drivin'. We've got the windows down and Shania Twain a blastin'!! Then we get to a stop light and a little blue car pulls up next to us. A cute little old lady is behind the wheel. I'm in a good mood and feeling gracious enough to allow this woman a moment of my time, so I lean out the window to wave at her. Apparently she saw me out of the corner of her eye…her…creepy…shiny…oddly colored…eye…THUS she whirled toward me with a large grin….and her teeth flew out. And smacked me in the face. YOU CANNOT MAKE THIS UP. Ugh. I could feel her old person saliva sliding down my now burning face. It smelt strangely of applesauce and cat. I don't know _**why**_ it smelt like cat, but it did. What happened next was all a crazy blur. I screeched, whipped them off, yelled something about her mother being a hamster, I died a little inside, and Steve sped off. Way to handle the situation Steve. Way to go. Remind me to give that guy a raise. Wait. Do I even pay him?

I SMELL LIKE APPLESAUSE AND CAT. Not even GOOD applesauce! Stupid…crazy, cat eating applesauce lady. And that is why I feel empty inside. On a happier note I now know where to send Kyo if he angers me.

I should definitely start a "Yu-Yo-Ri" fruity juice stand. Those things would sell faster than shirtless picture of Yuki at a fangirl convention!!!...SCHEME FORMING!

**Things to get**

_-camera_

_-ladder_

_-rope_

_-lemon squeezer_

It's brilliant!** I'm** brilliant. Thanks Diary. I knew there was a reason I kept you. Now I'm off to take twenty showers…so that cat lady won't find me.

-The Head of the Sohma Family: _Akito Sohma_-


	13. Entry 13

Dear Diary,

So I totally have sold half naked Yuki pictures for big bucks to some freakin crazy fangirls. And when I say freakin crazy, I _mean _freakin crazy. They contorted their bodies to spell out letters…like Spaghetti Betty. –I have one by the way. That crazy Betty and her disproportional limbs that I can alter to crazy poses. Hours and hours of fun- I was scared for my life. Until they realized I wasn't Yuki. Then I was still scared for my life. One was wearing a frog on her head. Why does no one else seem to think that's weird?! But the instant I waved those pictures in front of them they were drooling all over the place!...seriously. I had to come back and change my pants. It was gross.

But I have a bundle of cash now. What should I spend it on? Whips? A torture chamber? A vase to replace the one Hatori broke? I do miss that vase…-insert my mournful sigh here-…well moment's over! More spy gear to get more juicy pictures it is!!

Speaking of juicy…where are we in the plot anyways? Because life is a story, diary! And I get the sneaking suspicion that I'm probably looked at as the villain, Yuki's the eye-candy, Tohroot is the bubbly air headed heroine, and Kyo is going to be the instant favorite because he has anger management problems, a sad past, blah blah blah…I just don't get it. Why do chicks dig jerks? Not even a good looking jerk; a smelly, shedding,, non-good looking one. Now take me for example. I'm a jerk, a devilishly handsome one at that, and yet no ladies are bangin down my doors!!...even though I really don't like the ladies, since they have cooties, but still!! BAH. I need to be writing this plot diary. It would be way cooler and have explosions. And a chase scene. With giant robots. And lazers. Fashoo fashoo!

Alas though, darling diary, I am but a butterfly, caught in the wheels of life's cruel machine!! So to amuse myself I'm going to go bother Hari into buying me some spy gear to make Yuki vaguely uncomfortable.

-The Head of Sohma Family: _Akito Sohma_-


	14. SPOILER ENTRY

Dear Diary,

A shocking and terrible discovery has been made today. I…I can barely steady my hand to write it down. It's worse than the time I caught Shigure and Hari with cake batter in the closet!

-insert Family Guy flashback here-

On a side note I think that show is really funny. But I think it's a bit ridiculous that a baby is talking like that and NOBODY notices. Reminds me Sailor Moon.

-insert flashback to Entry 4-

Oh Diary!! What am I suppose to do?! What will the family members do when they find out? Oh no…what will my FANS think?!! They'll be…devastated…!!! I will admit that I am very much in distress myself, so who knows how _they'll_ react! Alas…I cannot keep it from you any longer, my darling friend. I'll just…come out with it. But please give me a minute to compose myself.

….okay. Here it is, Diary. Now, please don't freak out too much, promise?...I'll take your silence as a 'yes.' Here it is. Okay. Here we go. Today…I discovered….that….

**I AM OF THE FEMALE SPECIES! ...WITH GIRLY PARTS!**

I mean…I never realized! Until I went onto some spoiler site and BAM! Right in my face, there I am staring naked into a mirror, my arm cleverly hiding my parts! I had NO IDEA. And I know you may be wondering "How the heck don't you know your own gender, TotalxHawtyxAkito23?" (That's my sn if u ever wanna im me. lol ) ANYWAYS! I was deceived into believing I was of the male species! Everyone told me I was! I even have sex scenes in some stories!!!

-insert flashback to "Young Wings", chapter 10 by AkitoStarr-

So you really can't blame me. And I'm positive NO ONE knew this, except the spoiler, who I plan on hunting down and killing slowly with a spork. They would have told me, right?

-insert flashback to reviews by Xerxes93, sendoh11, and Sxc-sammi-chan-

…….well they should have said it to my face. I mean, I could have taken it. I'm a very understanding man…girl…person.

-insert flashback to Entry 5-

…….NO ONE MISSES THAT PAPER BOY ANYWAYS. Geez Diary you're being a real pope jerk today. Maybe I _shouldn't_ have told you my (apparently) deepest, darkest secret! Maybe I'll just relate all of my problems to my grey lover! Hm?! How does that sound???

-insert flashb------

SILENCE!!! I DON'T NEED YOU!!! CLEARLY YOU'RE IN LEAGUES WITH MISSICK93!!! I HAVE…GREY LOVER…AND….that bird that keeps flying away but yeah!!!

...I don't think I've ever had an argument with pieces of paper before………….

I reeaaaalllllyyy need to get out of house.

On the bright side of this, I won't feel weird singing "Milkshake" by Kelis anymore. And that in it's self is a blessing.

Oh fine I forgive you diary. You are like, my best friend. And I suppose now that this whole fiasco is over, we can get back to actually dealing with Tooroot and Yuki and Cat Boy.

Hahahahaha…funny idea.

_Duna nananananananana- CATBOOOYYY!!!! __**BIFF! POW! SOCK! LAME!**_

Alright. Well. Now that I've gotten THAT off my chest, I'm going to go look up smexy pictures of myself off the web! And maybe some vids off the "YouTube."

-The **Not So Secretly Female **Head of Sohma Family: _Akito Sohma_-


	15. Entry 15

Dear Diary,

Boy do I have **big** news diary!!! But first let's start out with the basics so you can completely understand this:

_I am amazing and everyone else sucks. _

Got it memorized? Tee hee, I am totally like the red haired hottie from Kingdom Livers! And I can say 'hottie' without being gay because I'm a chick. I guess. Whatever moving on!!

So a few days ago, Cat Boy's sort-of-father-thing, Kazuma, as we like to call him,(or Puddles...but that's another story) came back from battling bears in the mountains. -Shigure told me so it MUST be true!- Aaaannnd because the electricity was out, I decided to send him on a mission to ruin his sort-of-son-boy-creature's life. Yay! And he said yes! It's fun being god! -insert lightening strike here-

Then I took a nap, woke up, kicked a puppy, got sick, was attacked by puppy, probably have rabies, smashed a few vases, made mean faces at babies, and served at my local soup kitchen.

And then, being bored, I decided to take a drive! I was going to have Steve drive, but we all remember the LAST time he drove me. -insert flashback to crazy cat/applesauce lady- So I thought I'd do it myself; I mean, how hard could it be?

Five kids, two old ladies, a biker, and a dozen squirrels later I finally made it out of the drive way. And then I was off on my driving adventure! It was awesome until I took a wrong turn and ended up in the middle of some woods. And it was raining. And I was disgruntled. But then who should I see?! Tohrotorooter! And she was running and stuff, in the rain. Of course, me being the fabulous person I am, I thought, 'Hey, maybe she needs a ride somewhere.' So I got out, and right before I got to her...well this is what happened.

Me: *sees TatterTot* He-

Her: *VOMIT*

Me: ............*VOMITS OFF SCREEN*

IT WAS SO GROSS. When I see someone losing their cookies, I have to do it too! And I ruined my boots, all because of her. Of course I went over to her, and gave her a piece of my mind! That pretty much went like this:

Me: Mocking tone, mocking tone, ewgrossvomit, _serves you right,_ something about sohmas, something blah blah curse, me, me, me, myself, curse, understanding, _you deserve this pain_, sexxy model pose,_ I will make you suffer the way we suffer_

I think the last line is pretty frickin sweet myself; made it up on the fly too. Everything else was mostly me about my boots, And being wet. I mean, I came all the way out there on accident and found her on accident, and how does she repay me? By throwing up that's how. Oh and Shigure showed up and was like, " AKITO" and I was like, "Uh, that is in fact my name." And then he was like, " :C " So I was like, " : ...I'm wet tee hee" and left. Well, I tried too anyways, slipped in the mud at one point LUCKILY Tootroot was too busy doing her 'dramatic heroine' thing to notice. But I made it to my car and drove awwaayy.....

Took me all night to end up back at Shigure's house!! I hate driving. And to show my displeasure, I gave Gure a VERY threatening glare, before calling Hatori to pick me up. Because, srsly, what else is he doing but sitting in his office being the tall, handsome, emo that AUTOMATICALLY gets a following just because he's those three things. Geez. Oh and I think Kyo was changed into that gross thing that smells bad. Yuck. Glad I missed out on that.

ANYWAYS. On to the **big **news!! I got new boots!!! Yaayyy!!! They're suede and kinda look like pirate boots! They are sooo cool, I just wanna bust out into song!

YAR HAR FIDDLE DEE DEE! YOU ARE A PIRATE!

Anyways that's it. I guess something important happened with what's her face and cat dude, buuuuuut who cares? Not me. It's going to affect me at all. Nope, not like they'll come knocking at my door or visit me or drive me into a blind rage then force me to have some kind of self realization thus changing my character forever unless you read the manga instead in which case it never happens and I continue to be a total jerk face until chapter eleventy thousand or anything.

....that was oddly ominous.

-The **Captain** of the Sohma Family: _Akito Sohma_-


	16. Entry 16

Dear Diary,

I am a changed woman man thing! Tohshroom has shown me the error of my ways using her kind words and oversized tears. Even as I was attempting to give the little hussy a bald spot, she continued to say how she'd miss me when I died, and that so would everyone else. It was truly a touching scene.

My favorite part was punching Yuki and Shigure. I hope they get big fat bruises on their girly chests; they rumpled my favorite kimono. POUT.

In all honesty though, nothing has really changed, except that the tramp is probably going to stick around forever now. Geez. But...she is growing on me. Like how a fungus grows on the side of a magnificent tree...or how a tape worm grows in the intestines.

On another weird note, I noticed that Yuki left his lip gloss; probably dropped it in his rush to glomp me the perv. And, after slathering it all over my luscious lips, I headed out to give it to him....and they were all moving in slow motion. Let me repeat this; they, the freaks that just ruined my day, were moving in slow motion, like in the matrix.

..........it was one of the weirdest things I've ever seen. And then they just froze in place! I mean, what the heck?! So I just backed up slowly and closed the door.

Still have the lip gloss. It tastes like cherries and homoerotic tension, which, by the way, makes my lips tingle.

Hm...something feels very final about this. Almost as if it's the last episode in a series or something. How depressing. I should probably go on my LiveJournal and complain about it and wait for people to comment on how I'm totally sweet and wonderful and then they'll give me cyber hugs then never talk to me again. It'll be AWESOME.

Well my darling diary, this may be the end of our epic adventures together. You've been here for me through Tootyfruity's first appearance, the girl rumors, the weird cat eating lady, my realization that I WAS a girl, and now this...whatever the crap this is. Perhaps someday I shall return and write more of my thoughts and adventures within your pages. But for now, I am going to retire to causing drama, making others uncomfortable, and playing the newest Poke'mon game. I just gotta catch 'em all. Adieu, my dear diary. Adieu.

Sure hope this doesn't end up on the internet.

-The Head of the Sohma Family: _Akito Sohma_-


End file.
